This week I am sharing the next part of my conference talk given in 2023. In this part of the series, I will explain the allegory I posted previously and describe my personal struggles with postpartum depression and anxiety. I have redacted some of the names to protect my family’s privacy, but otherwise, this is all as it was originally delivered.
This is my story, and although couched in the form of a fairy tale allegory, it is all true. If you’ve heard my testimony of salvation, you know that I was raised in a Christian home, had a good Christian education and even went to a Christian Bible college to prepare for vocational ministry. But in spite of all that grounding, after I had our son, I developed serious postpartum depression and anxiety. My husband and I were in a difficult, frankly toxic, environment at the time, and I had little support and no-one I really felt I could trust with my troubles. At the time, I felt that as a pastor’s wife, I had to just put a good face on things and try to pretend that I was happy and healthy. I didn’t think I could tell anyone what was really going on behind the mask because I feared it would comprise my husband’s ministry. I felt like a monster, lashing out in anger at my sweet husband and son because the fear in me was so strong. So I sat alone in my despair until it grew so strong that I began to believe they would all would be better off if I were dead.
Thankfully, I didn’t really want to die. I wanted to feel better. Even though we didn’t have the finances to spare, I finally told my husband I needed to go to a local Christian counseling center and get help. They had a scholarship program for families of pastors, which helped. There I shared with one of the women counsellors all that I had been thinking and feeling. Through our many sessions together, she gave me good advice and encouragement, teaching me how to see myself in light of God’s grace all over again. I realized that I had been living all my life as if I still needed to somehow earn God’s favor, even though I had trusted Christ as Savior, and I had to work through that. Honestly, I still struggle with that, but I am much quicker to recognize the lies I am believing now and to combat them with God’s truth. After some months, I “graduated” from counseling, and as the story goes, a few years later I had our daughter. I was afraid that I might have PPD again, but thankfully God spared us from that. I had developed a close enough relationship with another mom in my community by that time in order to share with her about my previous struggle, and she committed to check in on me and make sure I was doing ok. Just knowing that, I think, did make a difference. Otherwise, our situation was still in many ways the same, but the Lord allowed me to experience his redemption in a beautiful way, and for that I am so grateful.
Each of us has different dragons. Every person in this room has had some painful experience that has shaped her life. Perhaps it is depression, but maybe it is something else: divorce, abuse, loss of a loved one, infertility, chronic illness, cancer, family disfunction, or any number of other personal challenges. These may seem to differ in severity or degree, and sometimes we are tempted to compare our difficulties with those of others, perhaps thinking we are wrong to feel so distressed by our own pain when that of someone else seems so much worse. But this is neither helpful nor productive in healing.
One of my favorite books in C. S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia is The Horse and His Boy. And the reason is this quote taken from a conversation between Aslan and a boy called Shasta.
“Child,” said the Lion, “I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.”
God is working in each of our lives in a unique way in order to accomplish his purpose for us. (Philippians 1:7, Psalm 57:2, Romans 8:28)
If asked to name a prominent Christian who went through significant painful experiences, Elisabeth Elliot is certainly a woman who comes to mind. She lost not only her first husband to the Auca Indians, but her second to cancer, as well. Her life among the natives in Ecuador was surely not free of difficulty or pain. In a collection of her talks on the subject, titled Suffering is Never for Nothing, Elliot says this:
There have been some hard things in my life, of course, as there have been in yours, and I cannot say to you, I know exactly what you’re going through. But I can say that I know the One who knows. And I’ve come to see that it’s through the deepest suffering that God has taught me the deepest lessons. And if we’ll trust Him for it, we can come through to the unshakeable assurance that He’s in charge. He has a loving purpose. And He can transform something terrible into something wonderful. Suffering is never for nothing.
When we started planning this conference, I really had no idea what I would talk about. But as we were praying in one of our planning meetings, it became clear to me that it was time to share about my struggles with depression. This is not something I have ever shared about publicly before, and it is not an easy topic for me to talk about now. But very soon after that meeting, the Lord brought I Corinthians 1:3-7 (ESV) to my attention.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
Now, in this context Paul is talking about suffering for the Gospel, but I hope I am not stepping out of bounds in saying that when he says “all our affliction” he really means ALL. I have to believe that one purpose of having lived my story is that by sharing it I can help or encourage someone else. That is really the theme of this whole conference! We need each other, and we need to share not only the challenges of life but share how God has led us through those challenges. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (ESV) says,
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
Join me here again next week for the final installment in this series, in which I will share some practical, Biblical guidance for those dealing with depression. Thank you so much for reading my story thus far. If you have any questions or thoughts on this topic, or if you need prayer, please leave a comment so I can reach out to you in some way.
Until next time, remember, you are loved!
Kiel
